Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred; so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Arise, be gone."

2 Samuel 13:15

In the story around this verse, Amnon, a son of King David, found his half sister, Tamar, beautiful and he lusted after her. He told his close friend about his desire to have sex with his half sister and so they arranged that Tamar would be found in Amnon’s bedroom alone. With just the two of them present, Amnon asked his half sister for sex but she refused so he forced himself upon her. Immediately after this “one night stand”, Amnon’s love changed to hatred as told to us in the above verse.

Shame does that. When you desire something which goes against the conscience, against that which is morally right, your desire turns sour, just like Amnon’s lust for his half sister, Tamar, turned to hatred. Instead of hatred for himself, his hatred was toward her.

Just as then, this occurs today. How much venom is found in social media toward those who are victim to wrongful acts and decisions. I have seen it happen with some of the ethical issues of today. On reflecting upon the gender identify crisis of today, how many times have I seen people turn from the love for the church and it’s stand to anger and hatred towards the church. One elder of the church presented the case for allowing those of different sexual lifestyles into ordination. His presentation was not well thought out and so the presentation was full of vitriol and anger, not reason and caring. Instead of presenting it quietly and in a forum of round table discussion, it was presented in an open assembly where frank discussion over all the ramifications could not take place. The result was the assembly quietly taking it in, the officials taking their opposing stand, and the presenter throwing back insults and anger. He finally left in tears and tantrum, not speaking to anyone on his way out, and living the assembly and fellowship of the church forever. Why did his love for the church turn to anger and hatred? Was it not because his conscience was disturbed? I think so. Oh, his vocal reasons were for the love of those he wanted in accepted as elders and this may be admirable, but if this were so, love shows itself through forbearance, patience, and kindness, not “in your face”, vitriol, and accusations. It all signalled a conscience disturbed.

How about the issue of euthanasia? I have presented my stand against physician killing in a number of forums, mostly one on one. What is the response? An angry turning away to end the discussion with words affirming their position and indicating “end of discussion”. Why this behaviour? Their conscience was disturbed and instead of quiet reflection, controlled anger and dismissiveness ensued. Just like Amnon, they turn against that one who caused their conscience to be disturbed as opposed to reflecting on their own decision and behaviour as the cause for disrupting their conscience.

I had written an article on how disturbance of conscience presents itself when moral issues like euthanasia are being discussed. This article was posted in our medical journal, CMAJ. Someone commented on the blog by writing derogatory comments about it. On reading it, I had to smile because his response demonstrated exactly one of the traits a disturbed conscience presents with... and he didn’t even realize it.

I experienced a recent encounter with a physician colleague around how far the criteria for euthanasia should be changed. He presented three cases which he felt physician killing should be allowed. I countered with how modern day medicine can address the issues around such cases. The response? My fellow colleague got up from his chair, turned to walk away, and said, “I don’t see it that way.” My first thought to his reaction was one of seeing a disturbed conscience, just like Amnon toward Tamar.

And then there is the “#MeToo” movement where sexual encounters in the past continue to haunt those abused. Their shame and loathing of what was done to them finally finds voice. They have hid in their “isolated room”, like Tamar did in her father’s house, for years. They have been like Tamar, tried like refuse and tossed away. But why did not the man involved respond like Amnon showing hatred and disgust? Is it because their shame was turned inward and denied, like it was a secret? Or is it because their conscience was already so seared by previous disobedience to conscience that they no longer felt it’s pangs?

The searing of conscience is another topic for another day. The Scripture asks us to “guard our heart” which is another way of saying listen to and obey the God-guided dictates of your conscience. Because without a clear conscience, your ability to hear or sense God will be impaired.

Watch for the signs of a disturbed conscience in your life and the lives of others around you:

1) Change the laws to allow immoral behaviour.

2) Advocate for societal changes through anger and condemnation toward your perceived enemy.

3) Get everyone on board with you so you will not encounter someone opposing your stand hence leaving your disturbed conscience lie dormant.